It isn’t enough

I wonder what drives me and others to want more. Why is it that we are never quite satisfied with what we have. With alcohol its easy to see why. Even though I can barely tolerate the stuff with my medication, there are some beers that just are too nice to only have one of. Peroni in its natural environment of Italy with sunshine and beautiful people is my current beer of choice, and of many other people too, it would seem, as it is available all over the place.

Have a look at the Peroni site that shows a life style I would like. The colour, the style, the beauty. Yes, it is an advert and you need to confirm your age because its an alcohol related site but there is art and fineness that is so much more than a product sell.

peroni-logoI have also found a mixed fruit Copperberg to go rather well with a meal. I always want another though. That could be though, because the alcohol makes me lose some control.

Loss of control is, I fear, to be greatly feared. Without control and discipline the world does not sink into anarchy but depravity and selfishness. Anarchy appeals to me in the sense of freedom and non imposed restrictions, but accompanying that is personal accountability and responsibility for ones own actions. That seems to go out of the window for those that indulge the demon drink.

So when I want a new car I go through the process of I like it – I want it – I must have it – but I am constrained by practicality and budgets. When I want another beer I am restricted to what is going to be what I can get away with whilst taking my medication. Pets on the other hand ….. I like dogs. I used to have one many years ago but I think I could do better by one these days. Now there will be those who know that I already have a wife. My wife and a Dog would not be compatible apparently. I also have a cat and a hamster and 2 quail and 3 fish (2 fewer than when I started writing this) and 5 chickens and they are not very compatible with a dog either. Really I would like a zoo or a farm. I am constrained though by budgets and the fact that I am a marginally better programmer than farmer. I have a wife who was talking about a pet lamb this week so maybe if I win the lottery that is what we could do. (update – maybe next week as it did not happen this week – will update when it happens
( I did win a prize in the raffle for the third time in a row this last week at weight-watchers (think many jealous ladies)-see below)).

So when is it that I will have enough pets. I find them fascinating and really enjoy watching their behaviour with each other. I envy them their simple (though somewhat confined in most cases) existence. They are fed and watered and most will feed from my hand ( a bit awkward to teach fish that trick ( – maybe that accounts for the dwindling number)). They laze around in the sun or shade. Those that can, go outside to explore and sit in the sun and avoid those who are outside that constantly try to come in the house and those who are not allowed outside constantly try to escape. They get on in a tolerant way, Cat looks at hamster and quail and is not that bothered by them (she knows there are free range mice in the shed). Quail looks at cat and is bothered but does not move in case. Hamster is not bothered about anything because it’s always bed time. The chickens are all happy because there are newly planted plants to dig up and veg patches and houses to get into.

Cat always wants more ‘cat treats’. Chickens want more sunflower seed treats, but generally all their needs are met. Even the children seem fairly satisfied with their lot, as long as one doesn’t get more than the other, and there is something to eat in the fridge, which there always is , but sometimes I just want something nice……

I have joined Weight Watchers ( I still call it Fat Club which I think gives it more ‘street cred’ for those that like that kind of film) . It has been a mental hurdle to get over but I do have to admit that I need to have had enough of being overweight (I am fat, obese,enormous, etc…) I have lost a good 8 pounds in 3 weeks. Excellent but I need to keep at it. I have no idea what I really need to lose but its a huge amount. Bordering on the weight of a small child(orang utan), or big dog (not a reference to Rolf Harris – shame on him). It is hard though because I am a naturally greedy person.

Being overweight makes exercise and pain control difficult. But I need to lose the weight to reduce the pain and to be able to get out and about which is one of the few things I can say that I do actually enjoy. I was told that I could have a dog if I went for a long walk every day but that I don’t think could happen. So I have to say to my self that I am trying accept I have enough pets. I have to accept I have enough food on my plate. At some point I must have accepted I had enough Vinyl LP’s, but could I throw them out? – no. I have enough children, cars, bedrooms, sheds, holidays, I have had enough of work by 5pm. I have to desire to lose weight because I will still be heavy enough whatever I weigh.

My depression is such that I think I need things, or more of them (old or new) to cheer me up, but I am wondering today whether less would be enough and actually what I should be aiming for. I have always thought and believed that I did not need the big house, second home, high paid job and fast car. I would like them but I know I don’t need them. I know that I don’t need those ‘things’ for happiness. What I am thinking of is in terms of do I need 4 sausages or should 3 not only be enough but better. Do I need electric recliners on all seats on the new suite? – no. I don’t need, it’s enough to have a new suite, (with reclining chairs) but the settee where I will sit doesn’t need that. I want to be happy (or even just not miserable) and having an electric reclining sofa will not make me happy. Having a new suite to replace the old broken second hand one we have had for 10 years that collapsed under my weight will, I hope, because at least I will be comfortable and not sitting on unfixable broken springs. So having less does not mean not having new. That’s a new thought for me. I have had a lot of old or second hand stuff over the years, and I think that’s important to re use and re purpose. But I don’t need to keep the old broken thing when I replace it too. And that’s a new venture and thought for me. I need to get rid of the broken things, the duplicates, the just plain unused stuff and have less, I am never going to use them or repair them and having the old stuff is not helping my restart, because I see things and feel down because I’m not using them or repairing them, then I feel guilty, and need to buy more stuff to cheer myself up.

To cheer myself up I don’t need more but I actually need less, as a reward I should maybe treat myself to getting rid of something, and start to take back control of what I can.

Had a bad day? – throw something out. Gained weight? throw out old clothes that don’t fit. Stubbed a toe on an old computer? – skip it, its never going to be useful to have, its never going to come back in fashion, it will never be a valuable antique, it wont even look good in the garden as a sculpture, No one else would want it, getting depressed about the passing of things is not a way to my happiness. I need to let them go into the void that is the wheely bin, no matter how good or expensive they were at the time.

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Life, Don’t Talk To Me about Life….

There was a time many years ago in a land far, far away when I was a child, some argue I still am, but only on occasions. For me that was 45 years ago. But it doesn’t seem a long time. Then I had priorities, like learning to swim , or swim a length so I could get a ‘Dinky’ toy as my reward, or swim faster than Peter C. or as far as I could to get the next badge. It was not a conscious thing just a clear goal to aim for.

Mini Marcus for 100yds
Mini Marcus for 100yds

A little while later I noticed that some girls, who up until that point had been an upside-down, purple-knicker-displaying, hand-standing, mystery, were becoming even more so and were getting funny bumps on their chest. They continue to remain a mystery on the whole, even now, when most my age no longer do hand stands against the wall, but I understand the science well enough.

I still notice the bumps, I noticed some the other day, I was driving along and they were on display in some girls bedroom with the curtains back and the light on in the dark and everything was on display. I couldn’t help but notice them and neither could my 15 yr old son. In unison we said to each other ‘did you see that’. I never have before and nor am I likely to again, unless passing that way again….

All that is natural, and when growing up it seems like getting one of the mysterious creatures, and being able to call it ‘my’ girlfriend occupied a disproportionate amount of energy and time. I never really did, because I was too shy and awkward. I think I was a ‘good catch’ in many ways (but i am delusional at times), I was and am a mixed up cookie, so not to the taste of the mainstream perhaps, at least I am loyal and faithful and I have ‘my’ wife, who is perhaps the only one who could have put up with me for these last 30+ years.

As a couple we had each other and spent a lot of time with each other , going out together, decorating and ‘nesting’ , it wasn’t a conscious thing, we just did it. We then discovered the rabbit instinct and produced 3 offspring. Each time they were the focus, they were the drive , they were what it was all about. We had a nice home, 30 years later we are still here, we have had another 2 have come to join our family. We adopted them and they were the focus for some time helping them overcome their abuse.

I have clinical depression. I look at the events of life and try to come to terms with my aging, work, stress, loss, health, changing moral landscape, injustice, world peace and my inevitable death etc like others with the same state of being. I hope it is just a phase that like others in my life passes and leaves an impression.

confused and lost
Thinking….

Someone I knew through church and have known for over 20 years died recently. I liked her. Being depressed though, I am numbed by the medication and, she was oldish, so I struggle to feel the loss. But I think she will be missed. Janet was a lively, happy, devout, magistrate, Samaritan, mother, wife, general synod member. I admired her. Going to her funeral is one of those many things that in my current depressed state I am finding a burden, a barrier and a hurdle. I don’t want to go, I probably wouldn’t be missed, it is not going to be a happy thing. I find religion and all its trappings now to be one of those phases I went through, it feels now like it occupied a disproportionate amount of energy and time, but not so at the time. So I have no thoughts of going for religious reasons.

I stumbled upon an article “Always Go to the Funeral” It made me think I will. It is ‘right’ a ‘good’ thing to do and yes it is inconvenient for me, but so is everything at the moment. I agree with the author, she is right. To only do things because they make us look good or make us happy or because they gratify ‘ourselves’ is not the only reason to do something, putting ourselves out a bit is inconvenient, but so what, so is having to put stuff in the loft when I want to just sit.

So as a child I had things like toys to aim for, as a teenager it was a girl, then moving on it was a wife then kids, then houses and cars and jobs and promotion. All much as others do. The Christmas letters of our friends always seem to be about the same sort of things we were doing at the time too, others seemed to be doing it so much better that we were, but I doubt it was really so. Aiming for and achieving these things is what drives and rewards and makes life. I need something now to aim for, not self-seeking and self-satisfying like hobbies I have considered.

Perhaps it should be something that is not convenient and certainly something better than being dead.

Nope I don’t think so, thanks

The Cleansweep Assesssment point I am looking at now is

“I have fully forgiven those people who have hurt/damaged me, intentional or not.”

Well actually I haven’t. I don’t think I will either. I don’t want to.

There is this great thought in religion that says you need to seek forgiveness for sin. You need some other higher power to give it to you, or you need to ask for it, either because you do or don’t deserve it. Because it was freely given or earned or purchased.

So what do I need forgiveness for? Well I can think of a few things, but that is between me and the other party, on the whole I have ‘done the time for the crime’. It’s not between me and some Higher power. Other people yes, but not a supreme being, if such a thing were to exist.

I fail totally to see how such a fallible, useless and non active supreme being or higher power could ever give or sell to me forgiveness. What have I ever done against a Higher power. Nothing. I don’t want forgiveness. It is Null. A non concept. There is no thing or thought or act or possession or purchase or word or gift or theft that I can call to mind that I have done, or not done that could offend such a being or need their/his/its forgiveness. How could such a being possibly be capable of forgiving me for what I have or have not done to people.

What has that higher power done to me. Well I could say they gave or allowed or let me get testicular cancer at the age of 19. Why, I don’t know why such a power would. I can’t believe he/she/they/it would. So it just happened. Maybe I could blame my grandmother for giving me a highly radioactive watch. But other people get it and they didn’t get a radioactive watch. Even if it was 100% the cause, I couldn’t blame her. She found it, I was given it, no way would she have given it to me to cause harm, how could I blame her personally for it. The watch maker, no I am sure that they didn’t fully understand the consequences, anyway it glowed in the dark and sent the Geiger counter whizzing in physics lessons which was cool, it was way stronger than the radioactive sources we were supposed to be measuring.

I could blame a higher power for allowing my son to die. Or get shot. But it was the person with the gun that did it. Did a higher power allow it to happen or cause it or let it be. I can’t think so because that would simply be evil or malevolent. And what would be the point of being a higher power and being like that. We want a good one, not an evil one. It happened because of a chain of events that let up to it, and there was a gun and children involved, there was a specific act that was stupid and reckless, and it had deadly consequences. Rather than a Higher power forgiving that person it would have been better to keep Matthew alive. Surely if there was such a Higher Power they would have been able to intervene. So I don’t forgive a Higher power because I can’t blame them/it/he/she, because there was no higher power intervening or involved in any way.

So should I forgive the kid that shot Matthew. No, why should I. I understand how it happened . I know it could just have easily have been Matthew shooting him. I wish it had been then at least I would have still had Matthew. Should the kid seek my forgiveness. No I don’t want that, I want him to feel guilty every minute of every day till he dies. But I don’t think I am evil because of that. I want him to have children that he loves. I dont want retribution on his children. I just want him to know in the future the pain and agony and devastation he caused, and to realise how I felt as a father loosing a child.

Who should I blame for being made redundant. Myself for not pursuing qualifications that would have put me in a more marketable position. Do I forgive myself? No I don’t need to, there were reasons why I didn’t and I stand by them. It was right at the time, not to do that, because I had a young family, and I just have to live with it. No blame on anyone or thing.

The abuse of my adopted kids. Their birth parents did it. Their fault or just the way it happened? For my children to forgive not me. I benefit. I have them and see their successes I get to see them grow up. I don’t need to forgive anyone over that. What about my other kids, yes , I was not a perfect dad to them, but I did as well as I was able, as well as I had been shown, as well as the books I read told me to be. If it wasnt good enough, it wasn’t for effort.

Feeling depressed. Yes that has to be somebody’s fault surely. It can’t just happen. There has to be a cause and trigger that is someones fault. Well if there is, I haven’t yet found it. It is there, a decline in general well being, increase in weight, feelings of isolation, feelings of not being able to cope with daily things. What made me like this? I don’t know. Can I attach fault or blame? No. It’s just one of those things and trying to rationalise it or understand it is also ‘Null’ , void, without purpose, not real, valueless.

To seek out how to not need forgiveness from others is a worthy pursuit. If I could understand others and work for their benefit without selfish aims. If I could look for the best in others and rejoice in their success, (and not despise them for it or wish they too would suffer) then maybe I can start to heal.

At primary school a bully attacked me (and others) several times, until I dumped him over a small garden wall into a rose-bush. I hated him for years for the misery he caused me. He contacted me through ‘Friends re-united’ and asked for forgiveness. I suppose I have now. He was brave to do it. But I still hope he spent years beforehand in regret.

My police sergeant was a bully too. He was uncouth and ignorant. He set me up and let me fail. I can not forgive that. Why should I. Unless the act of forgiveness releases me to be more positive and make sure I don’t do that to others myself. I can not see that it does though. There are very few people I bear such a grudge against. Perhaps only 4 or 5 people in all of time that I could forgive and have not.

Perhaps they will seek forgiveness from their higher power. But that doesn’t benefit me. I still have the pain and anger. That doesn’t bring me down though. It makes me feel better to think that they are seeking forgiveness and not getting it – long may they suffer.

Don’t You Know You’re Beautiful

The title comes from the song by Kellie Pickler

On holiday recently in the Algarve, Portugal, it was warm in the sun. My wife and I ‘sans enfants’ sat by the pool of our hotel. There was a cool breeze and it was very pleasant to sit there for a while, drinking ‘Vodka Sunset’/coke. The breeze became a little chilly and so we moved and went a little way away from the main pool and found a sheltered little spot by the kiddies paddling pool. Being term time there were almost no children around the complex so we sat for some time just the two of us watching the ripples across the empty pool.

A mum and her little girl aged about 4 arrived at the main pool. The girl went paddling. We noticed her because she was naked. I think it would be difficult not to. To our British sensitivities, priggishness, and it being pretty much the anniversary of Madeleine McCann’s disappearance we commented on it between us.

The mum finding the main pool to be too cold brought the girl to the paddling pool, right in front of us.

So we faced a dilemma. Should we move away. It was embarrassing to have this little girl with no clothes on in front of us. But we were there first, we were out of the wind, in the sun. The mum brought the child whilst we were sat there and she didn’t seem at all bothered. The little girl was not bothered in the slightest. At this point I might have put a picture in here to break up the text and make the page seem a little more interesting, if I was talking about something else. But to have taken a picture of Bella would have been illegal and totally wrong, wrong in every respect because it would have been impossible to truly capture the magical moment without contaminating it, so this marvelous picture will have to do instead.

Beauty lasts for ever………Beauty lasts for ever

I still feel uneasy as to whether it was right for me to sit there whilst Bella played.

Maybe we should have moved on, or said something, maybe the mum should not have put us in that position, I do not know. No harm was done. We stayed. Had I been by my self I would have moved, maybe the mum would not have brought her. I was uncomfortable because I am a man, no, more than that, I think I am a gentleman. The rules and acceptabilities of England are questioned when in foreign parts, such is the joy of going abroad on holiday.

She was a delight. She was beautiful, perfect, she was herself and free, unencumbered by expectations, or shame, or shyness, or what people might think. She stood in the pool like a nymph. She lifted the water up in her cupped hands and threw it into the air where it fell upon her like golden rain in the sunshine. She stood lifting up her arms to the sun and sky standing there in a perfect pose just delighting in the warmth of the sun. Never has a child been so aptly named.

Occasionally she would dive under her mum’s T-shirt and get dry and warm by the side of the pool, cuddling and taking comfort and warmth. She would then re-emerge like a newborn and go back into her pool, smiling and laughing out loud as she re-experienced the chill of the water. It was not a sexual experience for me in any way, it was natural, delightful, free, and a mind picture that no camera or film could ever capture. A memory I hope to treasure for some time.

Eventually Bella and her mum went. We returned to our room and balcony and read a while in the early evening sun.

In the next room and balcony was a couple. They were loud. They were clearly aged in their sixties. They were from Glasgow, or near by. They had been drinking. A lot. They argued, laughed with that heavy smokers crusty wheezy cough. There was some guttural language exchanged between them, which seemed unintelligible to me apart from a few words with four letters. At this point you wonder, will they kill each other? Doors were slammed.

The next thing seemed to be the sound of some moaning and groaning, and swearing. Now, should you look around the balcony wall or over the wall, just to check whether the person was alright? We didn’t. The moaning became louder and more four letter words were said and it became apparent to us that there was some kind of activity, perhaps normally reserved for the bedroom, happening on the next balcony. Do you say, “can you keep the noise down, we are trying to read”. or cough politely so they know we are there, ignore it, think about it? laugh at it, pour a bucket of water over them?

It felt to me as though we were intruding, It was certainly uncomfortable for us. Not least because they were so clearly enjoying themselves with reckless abandon. But they were being natural, free, unencumbered by expectations, or shame, or shyness, or what people might think.

We went out on our balcony first, surely they must have known we were there? We were doing nothing wrong. If they wanted to do that whist we were there why should we be embarrassed. But we were.

We went in off the balcony and headed for the bar, leaving them to it.

It was something I do not want a photo of. It is a mind image I would love to erase, but thanks to Bella I have a much nicer mind image to try to remember.

What is beautiful and what is ugly, what is treasure and what is repulsive and why? I can’t control what happens, and situations do present themselves where I have no idea as to the ‘right’ thing to do. In the light of day and with hindsight it can still be hard to think what else I might or should have done.

There are some things I have seen and heard in my life that are so hard to forget, good and bad.

Like the images in my mind of what I saw when in the police force 30 years ago that still haunt my sleep, or watching my son die after being shot in the head and turning off the life support, or the man who got run over by a lorry, or the look on my parents face when the doctor told me I had testicular cancer. They are still fresh and horrific, some still make me feel sick to my very core, these bring me down, I wish I could forget them.

The few moments of extreme joy, like the birth of my kids and the look on their faces when they are presented with some token gift or award, or seeing Bella play, lift my spirits, and I need so many more of them to heal my mind.

The next day Bella had a costume on. Innocence was lost. We talked loudly to each other on the balcony. The Scots went inside…….

Art for Arts Sake

The next question on list of 50 questions that will free your mind I want to think about is

20.How do you feel about your home furnishings?

Most of the furniture is second-hand in my house. Yes, I am a skinflint that is not prepared to see my new leather settee shredded by the wretched moggy of the house. It will just have to be satisfied with the scratching of my old one.

The Cat as she sees her-self

The cat as she sees her-self

My bed is old now but still the most comfortable I sleep in. Whether on holiday or staying with friends, hotel or B&B it doesn’t matter, don’t take offence, but home bed beats all. It was given to us by my parents. Thanks.

My lounge settee is from brother-in-laws ex-buy-to-let. the table in the kitchen from eBay. Computers and laptops I use are mostly other people’s cast offs. I am saving up for a new one though.

The mantel clock is an old wind up 1950’s tick-tock bing-bong clock that never seems to show the right time. The one in the back room is right twice a day.

To other people, (am I bothered though) it probably looks old and dated, but its comfortable. Its tried and tested and when I spill my cup of tea it is no big disaster. I can clean it up and not worry if it did leave a bit of a mark (I ain’t bothered).

We have bought some pictures for the walls, but many of them are pre-owned. We like Judy Boyes

We have also a small flock of sheep in the garden to make us feel we look out onto fields, rather than suburbia.

Art and furnishings and carpets and knickknacks and the style of your own home space is totally subjective. There is no right or wrong (but it does need to be clean and maintained).

I like it, I don’t want to change, its comfortable and the way I think it should be, which is homely.

A good example I have come across and wholly relate to is the book “Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark: Gammell vs. Helquist” some one thought it would be a good idea to change the art work, Why? they didn’t change the words. David Suchet is Hercule Poirot. Hugh Laurie is Greg House, and Arthur Lowe is Capt. George Mainwaring. Some things just should not change – ever.

I’m not sure I could cope with it if someone were to re-model and re-style my house. There used to be that program on TV. I think it was called ‘Changing Rooms’ they never seemed to make it better.

But if there is a kind benefactor out there that wants to have a go, I would appreciate a bit of advance warning, so that I could get used to the idea. We need a new suite, bed, decoration, computers, curtains, dining table, new cars and a holiday to go on whilst the work is being done. The kitchen is fine though.

Failing that I guess we will make do, and there are no complaints from me (I ain’t bothered).

Q. How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb

A. Change?!!!

I have no idea.

My questions for thought today are

What is one quality about your parent(s) that you really loved?
What is one quality about your parent(s) that you really do not like?

I would seek forgiveness, if this were a confessional, for not keeping up with my intentions. It has been nearly 3 weeks since my last blog. I have read some blogs by other people. I have no idea whether that was helpful or not.

It strikes me that lots of people out there are offering ‘the solution’ to getting life under control. There are a lot of blogs with a ‘top 50’ tip list.

Who are these people though who write blogs?.  Anyone can write a blog. I can write a blog.

Uncertainty

I know a few social workers who gave us advice when we first started foster care. They gave their advice on a professional basis, they studied, they followed legislation, but freely admitted that they couldn’t do foster care. I know a few people who have had children. They are the experts in their kids but irrelevant when it comes to understanding abused kids. Other foster carers come close, but every case is different and causes similar damage but in a unique way.

If you have had mental illness or are a therapist I guess its the same as with foster care. You can advise or offer understanding from your perspective but how do I know if it is good advice for me.  Does it have to ‘feel right’ or match what ‘other people’ say. I have no idea.

Some people say ditch the Citalopram and go for the herbal 5-htc , no wait, that’s a phone, I mean 5-htp. other people say do both, others say don’t do both because it’s too dangerous. Other people say ok if a doctor agrees, or just stay on Citalopram but ‘up the dose’ or ‘reduce the dose’.

No one has a real clue, or if they do then there is so much conflict in the advice that I don’t know how I am supposed to work out who is right or what could be right for me.

Do you lay a baby to sleep on its front or back? The answer to that changed with each of our children. Dont leave a baby out in the cold, or put it outside for an hour in its pram, sun or snow. Who is right How can I know. I don’t know, I have no idea.

Once upon a time homosexuals were ‘wrong’ or mentally ill. Now they are not, according to legislation and society in general in the west. But some people still say they are.

I know that what I was taught and what I now think are different in so many ways but how did that come about, how did I decide? How did other people decide to believe or think differently. I know what we did with the kids in putting them to sleep, but how did we decide? Did we just follow fashion blindly or was it informed research.

I could go on about religion. Infant baptism, confirmation, transubstantiation, Islam, Christianity, Hinduism etc…. They can’t all be right or all wrong either. But how do I know. You may ‘know’ what you think is for you. You may think you ‘know’ what is best for me. But I have no idea.

So back to the questions.

I liked the fact that my parents gave me a secure background where life was certain and I knew what to do as a child and what was expected of me. They did their best to prepare me for adulthood.

What do I dislike most? The same things obviously.

Because life is most certainly not certain. Shit and crap happens to good and bad people. Good things happen to those that in no way deserve it. I no longer know what is expected of me because society is changing faster than I can cope with the change.

People speed, steal, lie, get drunk, cheat on their wives, take drugs and watch porn at work. To others this is a laugh, it’s normal for them, its acceptable, they brag and boast about what they have been up to at the weekend and I’m wrong for thinking they are wrong. But they don’t smoke or drink drive like everybody used to when I was young. I was wrong then too, apparently.

My parents did not prepare me for social change, because it was unthinkable. I did blame them until this last week or two for not preparing me, for making me old fashioned, but not any longer.

How on earth can I teach my children, when all knowledge seems no longer to be true. When what I was taught is wrong now. When the Internet is written by anyone, and trolls deliberately give false information. How can I help them to cope with their awful past when the future is so clearly uncertain and I can’t cope with it either. Why do I try to give them a value system and make them eat at the table and go to bed by 9:00. I think it’s the best thing for them, but time will tell.

I have no idea really, but it strikes me that I need to think for myself, use my brain to some degree and not take other people’s ideas too seriously. I need to not worry or stress about the uncertainty because no one knows.

I read a free book last week on my kindle. But it now seems to cost money. Its worth it.

It was very helpful and I am now pleased to call myself one of the ‘General Stupid’ people. I don’t have to sort out the worlds problems or feel guilty about not knowing anything for sure any more, and neither do you, we are not responsible for finding the answer. I can leave it to the ‘experts’ who ever they think they are with their weltanschauung.

Life Advice for the General Stupid
Life Advice for the General Stupid

Now that does seem to be good advice.

I am still a kid inside

What is your fondest childhood memory? Who was there? What was going on?

I don’t think that there is a single incident that I can say is the top, but there was a time.

Around the end of primary school I had a friend and we went around the playground with the dinner lady pretending that we were policemen on the beat.

The punishment for offenders was tickling to death. My recollection is that we only ever found girls to be offenders. I did, in later life become a police officer, and that was quite a different experience, I doubt that my sergeant would have approved the same methods for the prostitutes on my beat, it might have worked.

I had another friend around the same time who lived just around the corner. He, like me had a surname which matched a football team. So we used to play football in the back garden between the washing lines using the poles as goals at each end. s** v s** . Hours of exercise and healthy competition, first to 10 wins the game.

I do nothing now, I must go back to the gym for a swim sometime, because I liked that, but just got out of the habit of being active.

I have never been sporty, and was the last pick before the guy with a heart condition at school, who no one wanted because he might die and then the team would be one man down.

I spent a lot of time by my-self in the garage learning how to do 3 point turns with my go-cart and playing darts and alone in my bedroom playing with cards and tiddley-winks and action man. I bought a plastic husky with some birthday money for my action-man. I would love a real one now (husky not man), for me, so long as it didn’t howl all night.

Dreaming

Dreaming by Peter Przybille

With the stars from action man accessories you could save them and get another Action Man. I spent my pocket and birthday money on many accessories and when it came to getting my free action man, my parents gave it to my brother. That is unresolved pain. I am still a loner, and begrudge other people getting the reward of my efforts.

Action Man

So my childhood was 40 years ago, but it is still there in what I have become, I am still a child inside, but I am trying to grow up by realising I now need to deal with it.