I think I am a reserved and quiet person most of the time. I like to think deeply about issues, morals, and attitudes. I have come to the conclusion over the last few years that things are not so clear as I thought they were. That has been a disturbing conclusion to reach.
As a Student in Liverpool in the 1980’s, I stayed up many a late night discussing and coming to terms with different ideas and people and coming to a mind about how I viewed the world. I have been a Christian for 40 years.
Following testicular cancer, changing careers a few times, the death of a child, redundancy, adoption of children, much of what I thought and believed earlier in life remained unchanged. I had a firm foundation, a set of principles and rules.
That concept of knowing ‘who I am’ suddenly changed into a confused and challenged state of mind, I do not what triggered the change, but it happened. What has changed and what it changed into is what I am trying to understand. I no longer am at all bothered that it changed, though I was at the start of it.
It has been hard to come to terms with this loss of foundation, I became more depressed, there was too much to think about. I could not sort out what needed to be thought through, because it was overwhelming. The more I tried to think , the more there was to think about. A domino effect of crashing and conflicting thoughts provoked more and more areas where I became challenged in my mind about. A colleague helped me greatly by bringing me the phrase ‘Analysis Paralysis’. I was stuck and sinking for a long time, but at least I had the phrase to very aptly begin to describe the problem. There was a problem to deal with, the problem was not that I no longer had a foundation of religion or moral or political thought or ‘who I am’, like I had been thinking, but that I had no method or structure by which to dig up and out of it all.
This blog has been a journey in undoing the ‘ Analysis Paralysis ‘ and I found a number of things along the way to concentrate upon in a step by step recovery.