It isn’t enough

I wonder what drives me and others to want more. Why is it that we are never quite satisfied with what we have. With alcohol its easy to see why. Even though I can barely tolerate the stuff with my medication, there are some beers that just are too nice to only have one of. Peroni in its natural environment of Italy with sunshine and beautiful people is my current beer of choice, and of many other people too, it would seem, as it is available all over the place.

Have a look at the Peroni site that shows a life style I would like. The colour, the style, the beauty. Yes, it is an advert and you need to confirm your age because its an alcohol related site but there is art and fineness that is so much more than a product sell.

peroni-logoI have also found a mixed fruit Copperberg to go rather well with a meal. I always want another though. That could be though, because the alcohol makes me lose some control.

Loss of control is, I fear, to be greatly feared. Without control and discipline the world does not sink into anarchy but depravity and selfishness. Anarchy appeals to me in the sense of freedom and non imposed restrictions, but accompanying that is personal accountability and responsibility for ones own actions. That seems to go out of the window for those that indulge the demon drink.

So when I want a new car I go through the process of I like it – I want it – I must have it – but I am constrained by practicality and budgets. When I want another beer I am restricted to what is going to be what I can get away with whilst taking my medication. Pets on the other hand ….. I like dogs. I used to have one many years ago but I think I could do better by one these days. Now there will be those who know that I already have a wife. My wife and a Dog would not be compatible apparently. I also have a cat and a hamster and 2 quail and 3 fish (2 fewer than when I started writing this) and 5 chickens and they are not very compatible with a dog either. Really I would like a zoo or a farm. I am constrained though by budgets and the fact that I am a marginally better programmer than farmer. I have a wife who was talking about a pet lamb this week so maybe if I win the lottery that is what we could do. (update – maybe next week as it did not happen this week – will update when it happens
( I did win a prize in the raffle for the third time in a row this last week at weight-watchers (think many jealous ladies)-see below)).

So when is it that I will have enough pets. I find them fascinating and really enjoy watching their behaviour with each other. I envy them their simple (though somewhat confined in most cases) existence. They are fed and watered and most will feed from my hand ( a bit awkward to teach fish that trick ( – maybe that accounts for the dwindling number)). They laze around in the sun or shade. Those that can, go outside to explore and sit in the sun and avoid those who are outside that constantly try to come in the house and those who are not allowed outside constantly try to escape. They get on in a tolerant way, Cat looks at hamster and quail and is not that bothered by them (she knows there are free range mice in the shed). Quail looks at cat and is bothered but does not move in case. Hamster is not bothered about anything because it’s always bed time. The chickens are all happy because there are newly planted plants to dig up and veg patches and houses to get into.

Cat always wants more ‘cat treats’. Chickens want more sunflower seed treats, but generally all their needs are met. Even the children seem fairly satisfied with their lot, as long as one doesn’t get more than the other, and there is something to eat in the fridge, which there always is , but sometimes I just want something nice……

I have joined Weight Watchers ( I still call it Fat Club which I think gives it more ‘street cred’ for those that like that kind of film) . It has been a mental hurdle to get over but I do have to admit that I need to have had enough of being overweight (I am fat, obese,enormous, etc…) I have lost a good 8 pounds in 3 weeks. Excellent but I need to keep at it. I have no idea what I really need to lose but its a huge amount. Bordering on the weight of a small child(orang utan), or big dog (not a reference to Rolf Harris – shame on him). It is hard though because I am a naturally greedy person.

Being overweight makes exercise and pain control difficult. But I need to lose the weight to reduce the pain and to be able to get out and about which is one of the few things I can say that I do actually enjoy. I was told that I could have a dog if I went for a long walk every day but that I don’t think could happen. So I have to say to my self that I am trying accept I have enough pets. I have to accept I have enough food on my plate. At some point I must have accepted I had enough Vinyl LP’s, but could I throw them out? – no. I have enough children, cars, bedrooms, sheds, holidays, I have had enough of work by 5pm. I have to desire to lose weight because I will still be heavy enough whatever I weigh.

My depression is such that I think I need things, or more of them (old or new) to cheer me up, but I am wondering today whether less would be enough and actually what I should be aiming for. I have always thought and believed that I did not need the big house, second home, high paid job and fast car. I would like them but I know I don’t need them. I know that I don’t need those ‘things’ for happiness. What I am thinking of is in terms of do I need 4 sausages or should 3 not only be enough but better. Do I need electric recliners on all seats on the new suite? – no. I don’t need, it’s enough to have a new suite, (with reclining chairs) but the settee where I will sit doesn’t need that. I want to be happy (or even just not miserable) and having an electric reclining sofa will not make me happy. Having a new suite to replace the old broken second hand one we have had for 10 years that collapsed under my weight will, I hope, because at least I will be comfortable and not sitting on unfixable broken springs. So having less does not mean not having new. That’s a new thought for me. I have had a lot of old or second hand stuff over the years, and I think that’s important to re use and re purpose. But I don’t need to keep the old broken thing when I replace it too. And that’s a new venture and thought for me. I need to get rid of the broken things, the duplicates, the just plain unused stuff and have less, I am never going to use them or repair them and having the old stuff is not helping my restart, because I see things and feel down because I’m not using them or repairing them, then I feel guilty, and need to buy more stuff to cheer myself up.

To cheer myself up I don’t need more but I actually need less, as a reward I should maybe treat myself to getting rid of something, and start to take back control of what I can.

Had a bad day? – throw something out. Gained weight? throw out old clothes that don’t fit. Stubbed a toe on an old computer? – skip it, its never going to be useful to have, its never going to come back in fashion, it will never be a valuable antique, it wont even look good in the garden as a sculpture, No one else would want it, getting depressed about the passing of things is not a way to my happiness. I need to let them go into the void that is the wheely bin, no matter how good or expensive they were at the time.

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Author: Hengist The Nord

Married with children. 53 , programmer, blogger, yahoo answerer,good guy, like things to be done properly by everyone else but not so fussy about myself

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