My weight is within my ideal range. (for an Orag Utan)

Ok I have to

admit (yet again) I am fat, not obese or overweight or some other fancy phrase. I am not comfortable and this is mainly due to the large belly in the way. I did quite well before Christmas. But then the allure of the mince-pies and the Stolen and the c and biscuits was too much. I have put much of it back on. I reached an impressive  124 Kg. top weight and got down to 118 Kg. I am now 120 Kg. and determined to go down again.

Fat Orang Utan
weight loss – it ain’t easy for some.

I think there is something in the air about winter, the cold and dark and general feeling of being fed up with Christmas coming around yet again that makes me eat. But I have a while before the next one. I am not active but did see the benefit of the loss. Putting it back on has made me not give up but realise that it is the little inconveniences that have returned. Like trying to tie shoe laces and straining my shoulder getting up out of bed.  Like having the cat jump up and sit on top of my belly-blubber. Like my shirt not being long enough to tuck in because it has to take a detour, and there being no room to tuck it in either.

I eat very healthily, but I also eat unhealthily aswell and for me I think that is the problem. There is very little I really don’t like. Tuna, Salmon, cheap mince, undercooked rice, dead cabbage and sprouts that have been boiled to mush.

I like my food laid out properly on the plate, not an amorphous mass of gunge, leg of lamb with mint, veg and a little potato separate is the way it should be for me with roasts and Yorkshire pudding on top and a little gravy but not all over.

I went out for lunch the other day and the only thing wrong I could fault it on was that the gravy had been lashed all over the crisp topping of the corned beef pie. Apparently I should have looked for the things I liked about it , but that is not where I was on that day. Looking back the pots were hot , the pie crust had been crusty, and there was a good helping. As Gerard Hoffnung would say, I was well fed up.

It is just so annoying that liking food and having a healthy appetite seems now to be inconsistent with my needs to stay mobile and not die soon.

I know there are lots in the world who can not afford to or do not get enough. I can and do, but must not. It is one of those first world problems. Like having horse in your burgers. So what if its horse or cat or dog, as long as it is cooked and comes with a nice salad, spiral spicy chips and cool drink of Pepsi-Max, followed by pancakes and maple syrup with ice-cream and a cup of tea to follow with a few custard creams.

I see other fat people either on the way to work or around town, (and boy have those people in Bishop Auckland, like me got to realise soon) and I see them waddling or with legs splayed and knees locked to try to support the massive weight. I look down on them and wonder why they let themselves and their children get like that, but the fact is that I too am not far off that. I disgust myself each time I dare to look in the mirror, and being depressed that makes me go further down and think of eating again. I must not and it is hard.

I am ‘fortunate ‘ in having my own live in ‘weight watcher’ leader. To inspire me and help me. The current thinking of that organisation is all about food being too available.( We see an advert as we whizz through the recorded  TV, it gets to the programme , we pause it and then go hunter gathering in the fridge). I also have a daughter who is gazelle like and sons who are a healthy athletic shape. So I am the odd one out by a wide way.


When on an all-inclusive holiday I lose weight though, because it is warm and sunny and don’t feel like eating too much even though I eat and drink plenty.

So I would like to order a side salad of sunny spring followed by a long hot summer and mild autumn so that I feel like wearing shorts and T-shirts and get over the winter SAD and blues.

I would like work to become not so much of a stress but a great place to go and be creative and appreciated. For my relationships with others to be warm and sociable, and money to come rolling in faster than I can spend it – ( maybe I could afford lipo-suction then).

I need to make sure that I don’t continue the cycle, so I can do more and lose weight and feel better. My ideal weight is in the 80 Kg region, I have not been that weight since 1981. I aim to get under the target though of 100 Kg which is what I was in 1998 and was trying to lose weight.

Cup of Tea now I think and some of those buns with a cherry on top of the icing  would be nice.


Life, Don’t Talk To Me about Life….

There was a time many years ago in a land far, far away when I was a child, some argue I still am, but only on occasions. For me that was 45 years ago. But it doesn’t seem a long time. Then I had priorities, like learning to swim , or swim a length so I could get a ‘Dinky’ toy as my reward, or swim faster than Peter C. or as far as I could to get the next badge. It was not a conscious thing just a clear goal to aim for.

Mini Marcus for 100yds
Mini Marcus for 100yds

A little while later I noticed that some girls, who up until that point had been an upside-down, purple-knicker-displaying, hand-standing, mystery, were becoming even more so and were getting funny bumps on their chest. They continue to remain a mystery on the whole, even now, when most my age no longer do hand stands against the wall, but I understand the science well enough.

I still notice the bumps, I noticed some the other day, I was driving along and they were on display in some girls bedroom with the curtains back and the light on in the dark and everything was on display. I couldn’t help but notice them and neither could my 15 yr old son. In unison we said to each other ‘did you see that’. I never have before and nor am I likely to again, unless passing that way again….

All that is natural, and when growing up it seems like getting one of the mysterious creatures, and being able to call it ‘my’ girlfriend occupied a disproportionate amount of energy and time. I never really did, because I was too shy and awkward. I think I was a ‘good catch’ in many ways (but i am delusional at times), I was and am a mixed up cookie, so not to the taste of the mainstream perhaps, at least I am loyal and faithful and I have ‘my’ wife, who is perhaps the only one who could have put up with me for these last 30+ years.

As a couple we had each other and spent a lot of time with each other , going out together, decorating and ‘nesting’ , it wasn’t a conscious thing, we just did it. We then discovered the rabbit instinct and produced 3 offspring. Each time they were the focus, they were the drive , they were what it was all about. We had a nice home, 30 years later we are still here, we have had another 2 have come to join our family. We adopted them and they were the focus for some time helping them overcome their abuse.

I have clinical depression. I look at the events of life and try to come to terms with my aging, work, stress, loss, health, changing moral landscape, injustice, world peace and my inevitable death etc like others with the same state of being. I hope it is just a phase that like others in my life passes and leaves an impression.

confused and lost

Someone I knew through church and have known for over 20 years died recently. I liked her. Being depressed though, I am numbed by the medication and, she was oldish, so I struggle to feel the loss. But I think she will be missed. Janet was a lively, happy, devout, magistrate, Samaritan, mother, wife, general synod member. I admired her. Going to her funeral is one of those many things that in my current depressed state I am finding a burden, a barrier and a hurdle. I don’t want to go, I probably wouldn’t be missed, it is not going to be a happy thing. I find religion and all its trappings now to be one of those phases I went through, it feels now like it occupied a disproportionate amount of energy and time, but not so at the time. So I have no thoughts of going for religious reasons.

I stumbled upon an article “Always Go to the Funeral” It made me think I will. It is ‘right’ a ‘good’ thing to do and yes it is inconvenient for me, but so is everything at the moment. I agree with the author, she is right. To only do things because they make us look good or make us happy or because they gratify ‘ourselves’ is not the only reason to do something, putting ourselves out a bit is inconvenient, but so what, so is having to put stuff in the loft when I want to just sit.

So as a child I had things like toys to aim for, as a teenager it was a girl, then moving on it was a wife then kids, then houses and cars and jobs and promotion. All much as others do. The Christmas letters of our friends always seem to be about the same sort of things we were doing at the time too, others seemed to be doing it so much better that we were, but I doubt it was really so. Aiming for and achieving these things is what drives and rewards and makes life. I need something now to aim for, not self-seeking and self-satisfying like hobbies I have considered.

Perhaps it should be something that is not convenient and certainly something better than being dead.