Nope I don’t think so, thanks

The Cleansweep Assesssment point I am looking at now is

“I have fully forgiven those people who have hurt/damaged me, intentional or not.”

Well actually I haven’t. I don’t think I will either. I don’t want to.

There is this great thought in religion that says you need to seek forgiveness for sin. You need some other higher power to give it to you, or you need to ask for it, either because you do or don’t deserve it. Because it was freely given or earned or purchased.

So what do I need forgiveness for? Well I can think of a few things, but that is between me and the other party, on the whole I have ‘done the time for the crime’. It’s not between me and some Higher power. Other people yes, but not a supreme being, if such a thing were to exist.

I fail totally to see how such a fallible, useless and non active supreme being or higher power could ever give or sell to me forgiveness. What have I ever done against a Higher power. Nothing. I don’t want forgiveness. It is Null. A non concept. There is no thing or thought or act or possession or purchase or word or gift or theft that I can call to mind that I have done, or not done that could offend such a being or need their/his/its forgiveness. How could such a being possibly be capable of forgiving me for what I have or have not done to people.

What has that higher power done to me. Well I could say they gave or allowed or let me get testicular cancer at the age of 19. Why, I don’t know why such a power would. I can’t believe he/she/they/it would. So it just happened. Maybe I could blame my grandmother for giving me a highly radioactive watch. But other people get it and they didn’t get a radioactive watch. Even if it was 100% the cause, I couldn’t blame her. She found it, I was given it, no way would she have given it to me to cause harm, how could I blame her personally for it. The watch maker, no I am sure that they didn’t fully understand the consequences, anyway it glowed in the dark and sent the Geiger counter whizzing in physics lessons which was cool, it was way stronger than the radioactive sources we were supposed to be measuring.

I could blame a higher power for allowing my son to die. Or get shot. But it was the person with the gun that did it. Did a higher power allow it to happen or cause it or let it be. I can’t think so because that would simply be evil or malevolent. And what would be the point of being a higher power and being like that. We want a good one, not an evil one. It happened because of a chain of events that let up to it, and there was a gun and children involved, there was a specific act that was stupid and reckless, and it had deadly consequences. Rather than a Higher power forgiving that person it would have been better to keep Matthew alive. Surely if there was such a Higher Power they would have been able to intervene. So I don’t forgive a Higher power because I can’t blame them/it/he/she, because there was no higher power intervening or involved in any way.

So should I forgive the kid that shot Matthew. No, why should I. I understand how it happened . I know it could just have easily have been Matthew shooting him. I wish it had been then at least I would have still had Matthew. Should the kid seek my forgiveness. No I don’t want that, I want him to feel guilty every minute of every day till he dies. But I don’t think I am evil because of that. I want him to have children that he loves. I dont want retribution on his children. I just want him to know in the future the pain and agony and devastation he caused, and to realise how I felt as a father loosing a child.

Who should I blame for being made redundant. Myself for not pursuing qualifications that would have put me in a more marketable position. Do I forgive myself? No I don’t need to, there were reasons why I didn’t and I stand by them. It was right at the time, not to do that, because I had a young family, and I just have to live with it. No blame on anyone or thing.

The abuse of my adopted kids. Their birth parents did it. Their fault or just the way it happened? For my children to forgive not me. I benefit. I have them and see their successes I get to see them grow up. I don’t need to forgive anyone over that. What about my other kids, yes , I was not a perfect dad to them, but I did as well as I was able, as well as I had been shown, as well as the books I read told me to be. If it wasnt good enough, it wasn’t for effort.

Feeling depressed. Yes that has to be somebody’s fault surely. It can’t just happen. There has to be a cause and trigger that is someones fault. Well if there is, I haven’t yet found it. It is there, a decline in general well being, increase in weight, feelings of isolation, feelings of not being able to cope with daily things. What made me like this? I don’t know. Can I attach fault or blame? No. It’s just one of those things and trying to rationalise it or understand it is also ‘Null’ , void, without purpose, not real, valueless.

To seek out how to not need forgiveness from others is a worthy pursuit. If I could understand others and work for their benefit without selfish aims. If I could look for the best in others and rejoice in their success, (and not despise them for it or wish they too would suffer) then maybe I can start to heal.

At primary school a bully attacked me (and others) several times, until I dumped him over a small garden wall into a rose-bush. I hated him for years for the misery he caused me. He contacted me through ‘Friends re-united’ and asked for forgiveness. I suppose I have now. He was brave to do it. But I still hope he spent years beforehand in regret.

My police sergeant was a bully too. He was uncouth and ignorant. He set me up and let me fail. I can not forgive that. Why should I. Unless the act of forgiveness releases me to be more positive and make sure I don’t do that to others myself. I can not see that it does though. There are very few people I bear such a grudge against. Perhaps only 4 or 5 people in all of time that I could forgive and have not.

Perhaps they will seek forgiveness from their higher power. But that doesn’t benefit me. I still have the pain and anger. That doesn’t bring me down though. It makes me feel better to think that they are seeking forgiveness and not getting it – long may they suffer.

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