Sex and Drugs and Rock ‘n’ Roll

Getting ones life in order is, I think, a good aim. Drifting and letting life happen without attempting to steer it ends up far away in the middle of nowhere.

Under Well Being of the Clean Sweep Assessment are a couple of aims that have a common thread. Stuff you put in your brain. I’ve thought a lot about that recently.

  • I rarely use caffeine. (Chocolate, coffee, colas, tea)
    less than 3 times per week, total.
  • I rarely eat sugar. (Less than 3 times per week).
  • I rarely watch television. (Less than 5 hours per
    week).
  • I rarely drink alcohol. (Less than 2 drinks per week)

So I tried getting off caffeine and for about 3 weeks I had a splitting headache that felt like someone was slowly peeling off my skull away from my brain with a claw hammer. This was on top of the headache which is ever-present since starting Citalopram for depression and stress, that one is a drilling of a hole from in front of the left ear to the back of my right eye where I hear a constant whistle.

I then had a high energy extra caffeine ‘Monster’, my headache was instantly gone.

Monster

A bit of research on the inter-web-net-thingy led me around a merry dance of discovery.     So caffeine is by implication bad for you in Clean Sweep Assessment, it was good for me though. It works with the paracetamol for my headache and Ibuprofen for joint pain and Citalopram and I feel better and with a clear head, and not a dull forgetful sense of head pain and bewilderment.

I have cut down on sugar, and TV although not to those levels. I guess the idea is that you go and do something less boring instead, and taste things as they are. But being depressed seems to make it difficult for me to do anything new. Life seems to taste dull and uninteresting, TV and sugar add a little extra taste.

Alcohol is off-limits. I cannot tolerate alchohol in any measure or within a very short space of time, never mind peeling my skull back, it is more like a nuclear storm going on for hours. I dont mind. I used to have a drink very occasionally and not to any excess and don’t miss it at all.

Ian Dury

So, why the title? I watched the film the other day, (is that watching TV?, I would like to argue not) of the same name. It’s a reflection on the life of Ian Dury. I liked the music as a teenager, the chorus is so catchy it makes you feel good.

And that is the point. If you don’t feel 100% you need to find something that changes things. Putting good things in your brain, not bad stuff like negative thoughts, alcohol and  such like. I don’t need to be a slave to this list but to consider each point as an adult and make an informed plan of what I need for the moment to clean my life and achieve a balance in it.

But Chocolate and caffeine can be good for depression, sex is difficult but it makes one feel valued, Rock ‘n’ Roll lifts the spirits, makes me relax and gives me an identity. The right films and intelligent TV, stimulates and educates the mind. Alcohol can be a social lubricant in moderation (if not taking anti-depressants).

So the song should be ‘Sex(in an ongoing stable monogamous relationship) and anti-depressants(with chocolate, caffeine, paracetamol and Ibuprofen but not alcohol) and Rock ‘n’ Roll and TV (BBC 2 and Discovery), Sugar Sugar’.

But that’s not quite so catchy.

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I have no idea.

My questions for thought today are

What is one quality about your parent(s) that you really loved?
What is one quality about your parent(s) that you really do not like?

I would seek forgiveness, if this were a confessional, for not keeping up with my intentions. It has been nearly 3 weeks since my last blog. I have read some blogs by other people. I have no idea whether that was helpful or not.

It strikes me that lots of people out there are offering ‘the solution’ to getting life under control. There are a lot of blogs with a ‘top 50’ tip list.

Who are these people though who write blogs?.  Anyone can write a blog. I can write a blog.

Uncertainty

I know a few social workers who gave us advice when we first started foster care. They gave their advice on a professional basis, they studied, they followed legislation, but freely admitted that they couldn’t do foster care. I know a few people who have had children. They are the experts in their kids but irrelevant when it comes to understanding abused kids. Other foster carers come close, but every case is different and causes similar damage but in a unique way.

If you have had mental illness or are a therapist I guess its the same as with foster care. You can advise or offer understanding from your perspective but how do I know if it is good advice for me.  Does it have to ‘feel right’ or match what ‘other people’ say. I have no idea.

Some people say ditch the Citalopram and go for the herbal 5-htc , no wait, that’s a phone, I mean 5-htp. other people say do both, others say don’t do both because it’s too dangerous. Other people say ok if a doctor agrees, or just stay on Citalopram but ‘up the dose’ or ‘reduce the dose’.

No one has a real clue, or if they do then there is so much conflict in the advice that I don’t know how I am supposed to work out who is right or what could be right for me.

Do you lay a baby to sleep on its front or back? The answer to that changed with each of our children. Dont leave a baby out in the cold, or put it outside for an hour in its pram, sun or snow. Who is right How can I know. I don’t know, I have no idea.

Once upon a time homosexuals were ‘wrong’ or mentally ill. Now they are not, according to legislation and society in general in the west. But some people still say they are.

I know that what I was taught and what I now think are different in so many ways but how did that come about, how did I decide? How did other people decide to believe or think differently. I know what we did with the kids in putting them to sleep, but how did we decide? Did we just follow fashion blindly or was it informed research.

I could go on about religion. Infant baptism, confirmation, transubstantiation, Islam, Christianity, Hinduism etc…. They can’t all be right or all wrong either. But how do I know. You may ‘know’ what you think is for you. You may think you ‘know’ what is best for me. But I have no idea.

So back to the questions.

I liked the fact that my parents gave me a secure background where life was certain and I knew what to do as a child and what was expected of me. They did their best to prepare me for adulthood.

What do I dislike most? The same things obviously.

Because life is most certainly not certain. Shit and crap happens to good and bad people. Good things happen to those that in no way deserve it. I no longer know what is expected of me because society is changing faster than I can cope with the change.

People speed, steal, lie, get drunk, cheat on their wives, take drugs and watch porn at work. To others this is a laugh, it’s normal for them, its acceptable, they brag and boast about what they have been up to at the weekend and I’m wrong for thinking they are wrong. But they don’t smoke or drink drive like everybody used to when I was young. I was wrong then too, apparently.

My parents did not prepare me for social change, because it was unthinkable. I did blame them until this last week or two for not preparing me, for making me old fashioned, but not any longer.

How on earth can I teach my children, when all knowledge seems no longer to be true. When what I was taught is wrong now. When the Internet is written by anyone, and trolls deliberately give false information. How can I help them to cope with their awful past when the future is so clearly uncertain and I can’t cope with it either. Why do I try to give them a value system and make them eat at the table and go to bed by 9:00. I think it’s the best thing for them, but time will tell.

I have no idea really, but it strikes me that I need to think for myself, use my brain to some degree and not take other people’s ideas too seriously. I need to not worry or stress about the uncertainty because no one knows.

I read a free book last week on my kindle. But it now seems to cost money. Its worth it.

It was very helpful and I am now pleased to call myself one of the ‘General Stupid’ people. I don’t have to sort out the worlds problems or feel guilty about not knowing anything for sure any more, and neither do you, we are not responsible for finding the answer. I can leave it to the ‘experts’ who ever they think they are with their weltanschauung.

Life Advice for the General Stupid
Life Advice for the General Stupid

Now that does seem to be good advice.

I do it my way – and so should you.

My personal files, papers, and receipts are neatly
filed away

I do not have OCD, but I sometimes wonder if it would be easier if I could have the label. I do get bothered about some things in a OCD like way. I can’t stand it when something is lost. I have to check the dominoes before and after playing to make sure all 28 are there. There are 52 cards in a deck of cards. It’s a deck not a pack. etc. etc..

It stresses me that other people don’t bother about these things as they should do. I can’t work out why they are not bothered. Things should be done properly and consistently, my way.

When I look for a particular document I need it to be in the correct file. I need it to be easily found in the file, in date order. Not that everything needs keeping, but the important stuff does.

So all my papers are neatly catalogued and filed, the kitchen crockery is neatly stacked, all with the same pattern. Knives, forks and spoons each in the correct place in the kitchen drawer. DVD’s alphabetized left to right by title (I wish).

This is because my wife does it. She is organised and neat.

I am chaotic and disorganised. My DIY equipment is in one or other of the two sheds (probably), my loft has a whole load of unused old stuff I can’t bear to part with. My clean washing is piled on the bedroom dresser, but there are no socks in my drawer. I just can’t bring myself to do the sorting out of these things. I’m stuck, because of the enormity (to me) of each apparent task.

My PC and laptop and work laptop though are each highly structured, and double backed up. I am a programmer by employment and I like my code all neat and just so. My model traction engines and coin collection are organised, but it seems mainly to be the physical aspects of my life that are disorganised. I have no idea as to why there is this difference.

For me, having a partner who is prepared to put up with, and complement my weaknesses with her strengths, is an amazing privilege.

If it were to be left to me my t-shirts and trousers would still be scrumpled up near to the overflowing wash basket.

That is why I forgive her so readily for folding my T-shirts and trousers the wrong way.

I am still a kid inside

What is your fondest childhood memory? Who was there? What was going on?

I don’t think that there is a single incident that I can say is the top, but there was a time.

Around the end of primary school I had a friend and we went around the playground with the dinner lady pretending that we were policemen on the beat.

The punishment for offenders was tickling to death. My recollection is that we only ever found girls to be offenders. I did, in later life become a police officer, and that was quite a different experience, I doubt that my sergeant would have approved the same methods for the prostitutes on my beat, it might have worked.

I had another friend around the same time who lived just around the corner. He, like me had a surname which matched a football team. So we used to play football in the back garden between the washing lines using the poles as goals at each end. s** v s** . Hours of exercise and healthy competition, first to 10 wins the game.

I do nothing now, I must go back to the gym for a swim sometime, because I liked that, but just got out of the habit of being active.

I have never been sporty, and was the last pick before the guy with a heart condition at school, who no one wanted because he might die and then the team would be one man down.

I spent a lot of time by my-self in the garage learning how to do 3 point turns with my go-cart and playing darts and alone in my bedroom playing with cards and tiddley-winks and action man. I bought a plastic husky with some birthday money for my action-man. I would love a real one now (husky not man), for me, so long as it didn’t howl all night.

Dreaming

Dreaming by Peter Przybille

With the stars from action man accessories you could save them and get another Action Man. I spent my pocket and birthday money on many accessories and when it came to getting my free action man, my parents gave it to my brother. That is unresolved pain. I am still a loner, and begrudge other people getting the reward of my efforts.

Action Man

So my childhood was 40 years ago, but it is still there in what I have become, I am still a child inside, but I am trying to grow up by realising I now need to deal with it.

Random Words

I tried reading the Qur’an once. It was a bit poetic but did not mean anything to me. The Bible seems a bit like that too at the moment. It seems irrelevant to me and life today. I guess people write or remember sayings or thoughts that mean something to themselves and try to pass it on. The internet seems to be flooded with ‘wise’ sayings and ‘famous’ quotes, many have been made up, or have modified original thoughts, or may even be genuine quotes.

I came across this thought through StumbleUpon, so someone must like it. It was a picture which exists in many places so I have no idea where it originates or who said it or why, but that is the ignorance of the ill educated internet, not me.

Be confident. Too many days are wasted comparing ourselves to others and wishing to be something we aren’t. Everybody has their own strengths and weaknesses, and it is only when you accept everything you are and you aren’t that you will truly succeed.

So, I like the first bit. I have mostly been confident to the point of arrogant. Yes I wished I was one of the ‘beautiful people’ and rich and respected . I never have been and I accepted long, long ago that actually I didn’t really want to be like that, because most people like that are shallow. I had self-respect and values enough, and I guessed that there were many who would look at me, my wife, stable marriage, good upbringing and education, family, cars, caravan and job and lively church and holidays abroad and wish they had it half so good – I had enough, and did not need more.

I have strengths and weaknesses. I am discovering though, that what I thought were my strengths, are not so strong in the opinion of others. Now, that hurts, that takes more thinking about. Then (in the past) I accepted what I thought I was. I knew what I thought were my weaknesses. I did accept everything as I thought I was and was not. I was, looking back on it, sort of happy and content.

BUT – This like so many other sayings or the internet is FALSE. It sounds like good thoughts, but it isn’t, its inadequate. It is not grounded against any other measure other than self. The only thing you succeed in being, through following the ‘advice’ or moral above, is being a self-richeous, shallow prat.

I think you need to be careful that “you accept everything you are and you aren’t” in the same way as other people see you. What you are and are not needs also to be accepted fully by those around you. If you can’t truly do that, and be that, then you’re fooling no-one but yourself, and you are nowhere near ‘succeeding’ in life.