So the question I first read on this list of 50 things to change your life was
How do you really feel about what you are doing right now at this exact moment?
Well, I can remember that I was feeling lost. Confused as to what I was looking for in life. Very angry about almost everything, work, other drivers, the world, the family, the cat. Whatever I was doing I was angry about it.
I don’t feel like that now, medication, therapy helps. Learning not to get stuck on things that really are unimportant (if you don’t let them bother you) was and still is hard.
At the moment I am obviously writing this. It feels good to be in a different place to where I was. I still get cross but not like before. I’m Still confused about things but I have a structure and form to work through things.
Last week I went to the dentist, there was a guy in reception. Same early 50’s, same portly overweight shape. He was livid, abusive verbally to the staff and all because he felt the dentist had not listened to him complaining in the surgery. It’s no wonder. I was like that, but now I can see I am no longer. I said thanks to the receptionist and she returned a smile. That never used to happen, but it seems to happen now all the time. Not just people I know but everyone seems to be less against me and happy to smile back. Or am I just noticing it now and people were never actually against me at all?
In the supermarket the other day I became overwhelmed with the difficulty of finding the last item on the list (cornflour). I was ready to sit down in the aisle and give up on life. I asked an assistant. I gave up being a fat know-it-all bloke and accepted that someone who worked there could help. She also struggled to find it. We had a joke about it, I felt that it wasn’t just me going mad and normality resumed (at least until the checkout).
I still struggle with the daily things, but not so much now, and generally I feel that I can enjoy what I am doing right now whatever it is. I don’t have to get cross – and it’s actually more satisfying and enjoyable not to be.